The Journey
A backpack on my back. A road at my feet. And adventure ahead of me.
That's my ideal life.
Gain Skills and Abilities
I am going to travel to gain skills and abilities, taught to me by people who genuinely wish to share their knowledge with me.
This is one of the central draws of being an adventurer, of living the life I am going to live. Just as in my favorite video games, stories and shows.
You Teach Me And I'll Teach You
When I met someone I connected with, I would befriend them, spend time with them, learn from them and teach them.
Then, when I had learned what I wanted, I would pick up my bag and head off again, knowing that I had formed a bond and made a true friend.
Hunger and Thirst
This will be a Journey to follow my feelings and my heart.
I have a great deal of guilt and shame inside of me from the usual host of reasons, but, basically deriving from the fact that our society is a Capitalist one, and one in which human feelings are circumspect. Everyone has been severely damaged by the current societal system we have and by the irascible denial of our feelings. In all fairness though, this is as good as it's ever been, I just want it to be better.
The darkness and pain inside of me are a part of who I am. During my Journey, there will be times when I am hungry and cold. There will be times when I will need to depend on the kindness of my fellow human beings, when my survival will depend on their kindness.
My Journey will take me to wherever I feel the need to go. I'm sure that will include plenty of dangerous places. I feel the inexorable need to challenge myself and to grow.
This is also how true bonds are formed with others. When you need others to insure your continued survival.
This is already the case of course. We human beings are interdependent on each other for our mutual survival. It just doesn't feel that way in modern society. We just don't feel connected.
A Wanderer's Life -
Periods of Activity Followed By Periods of Rest
I want to wander to become strong.
When I tire of wandering, I will rest.
I look forward to the quality of rest I will enjoy : the kind of resting when one feels fulfilled and self-actualized.
A Restless Child
I was a restless child. I was the kid who had a very hard time sitting still in class, who just wanted to run around all day, who couldn't stand being forced to sit down and color in-between the lines.
I was given Ritalin to calm me and failing that, was sent to a "special school".
I did calm down, because I came to realize that if I didn't, I would be constantly punished.
It's quite sad...but I do understand.
There was an established system, an established point of view, and I didn't fit into it, so I had to be "made" to fit into it.
As a child, I was always drawn to stories of adventure and heroism.
I found it much more satisfying to be watching Saturday Morning cartoons of the struggle between the forces of good and evil than going outside.
My favorite stories were always ones of noble people overcoming adversity to save others.
When video games became a central part of my life, I forewent sports games and puzzle games, and was always attracted to games of action and adventure.
Games where you assumed the role of the hero, charged with saving the world.
I gobbled up stories of self-discovery, where the hero does not know just how powerful they are, but discovers it through challenges and trials.
The friendships I witnessed formed in my favorite games, shows, and stories were formed through surmounting mutually shared powerful challenges and obstacles.
They were true friendships, not ones formed over liking the same sports team, or mall cruising.
Heroism. Nobility. Adventure.
The central aspects of the kind of life which magnetically attracted me, were all part of non-reality.
"Stop living in a fantasy." Phrases like this one were always admonishing me, running through my head, telling me that I was not being grounded, not being part of the world the way it was.
My "survival instinct" was challenged. If I wanted to survive, if I wanted to live, then I would have to become part of reality, the real world. So...I did.
When I go on my journey, I will finally be given the chance to act in accord with my true self.
Why It's Taken So Long To Move
To put it simply, there is a good chance I might die living the kind of life I want to live. Impulsive and Impetuous. Following the ebb and flow of my energy. Honoring the feelings which course mightily inside of me.
I've hesitated because I felt I had to contribute what my nearly 30 years of slavery have taught me, the perspective they have brought me, the insights that have been made manifest to my eyes.
But I have held back for long enough. I am tired and weary and even now my insights are drying up. I must be true to myself soon, or I will not have any reason to continue living.
Children of My Own
I need to become a great deal stronger before I can have children of my own.
I sense that. That's why I journey.
Regret
I do deeply regret that I did not venture forth earlier in life, that I did not have the courage to do so. I was just afraid. I thought that there was a way for me to live the life of safety, and ease, and convention, without the fear and pain that come with being a wanderer. I was wrong.
In conventional societal terms,
I regret not having gone "backpacking" or doing my "world tour" earlier.
Now I will be a nearly 30 year old wanderer. 10 years later than is normal. I am behind.
I am one of the losers...It hurts.
Certainly it does, but, I could not force myself before. I wasn't ready.
I cannot intentionally hurt myself, nor
subject myself to pain and discomfort and misery.
I don't feel I deserve that sort of treatment. I don't feel anybody does.
Though I head out far too late in life, I understand why I do so.
Nobody else would really try to understand me, really try to help me.
It is not a part of our society for us to dedicate ourselves to insuring that others are happy.
We are raised to believe that we are on our own, that our responsibility is to make ourselves happy, and everyone else is of the same mind.
I wish that I had been able to tell someone else exactly what I needed, and they would have been able to help me understand my needs, but such was not the case...a common story.
There is nobody in our species strong enough yet to “really” go out of their way to help others, because nobody has ever done so for somebody else.
...I just want to be happy, for everyone to be happy. So, I journey.
Something to Offer
"Nothing is more fulfilling than when someone asks, 'Can anybody help?' and...YOU can."
I've always wanted to have something to offer others.
I have always wanted to have skills and abilities and knowledge and experiences, tangible bits of excellence, to generously offer and share with others, to see their eyes light up and their mouths curve into smiles, and for me to hear in their voice, to hear the tone, timbre and pitch of the words they speak,
be full of that emotion, that appreciation for my presence, for my existence. I am valuable to them.
I am special to them because I add to their life. I enhance their life.
I add magic to their existence.
Capitalist Dreams
I have never been interested in money or possessions. The idea of working, of doing something which I have to do, with the ultimate goal of just being able to survive and buy interesting baubles, repulses me. We're meant for more.
My Soul Mate
I have always had a difficult time bonding with girls. I feel insatiably restless and unsettled.
I now know that the only way I will be able to truly bond with a girl is if I am living a life where I am fully myself, where I am acting in full accord with my adventurous nature.
After all, how can a person truly bond with another if they are not true to themselves.
Acts of Heroism
Whenever I met someone who was in trouble and I felt I could help : I would. Why don't I do so now? Because I don't feel I can help anybody really. I am sad and angry all the time. Not so when I am on The Journey. Not so when everyday is an adventure. Who can feel sad living such a life?
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